POLITICAL SCIENCE 101
(featuring tired bovine anologies)

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

SWEDISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Don’t worry, it’s not your fault.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Therefore you surrender.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote multiple times. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows but only two speak English.  Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

NORTH KOREAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Korea, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $100 million grant from a Democrat president to find alternatives to milk production but instead use the money to buy weapons.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  They are hiding in a cave somewhere. They moo at you on video tape they  provide to Al Jazzera.

NORTH FORK CORPORATION
You have two cows.  I think the one on the right is kinda cute.

TAHOE CORPORATION
You have two cows.  They eat grass on the hillside and are happy. You apply to have them grandfathered in to your new use permit.  Someone at the TRPA discovers that cows are female bovine and therefore must be grandmothered in, for which there is no statutory provison.  Preliminary hearings on a variance application are set for 9:00am sharp, Tuesday March 3rd, 2019, weather permiting.

OAKHURST COPRORATION
You have two cows.  One claims to have recent family photos disembarking an ark and an odd fear of chameleons.  The other thinks “cowabunga!” is a lewd threat.  Inspector Kinkel doesn’t like the sound of any of this and arrests them both …just in case.

COARSEGOLD CORPORATION
You have two cows.  One is under the weather.  The other is over the hill.  Another is beyond reach while others are off the reservation and still others who are not above overworking underworked prepositional cliches.  On top of that, they all smoke and fudder while driving slowly to and from the casino which some still think is a children’s pizza parlor/arcade with a mouse theme.  What the ….?

MARIPOSA CORPORATION
You have two cows.  Neither has seen a tourist bus for years.